04.
Despite her numerous attempts to convince herself that she was ready, the truth is that Aether is not and would never be ready to bear Tadashi’s hurt.
But there she is, anyway, bearing it. “I’m sorry,” he croaks. “You—you weren’t supposed to see this, you weren’t…” He’s unable to finish his sentence as he buries his face into his hands once again, and Aether shushes him quietly. She rubs his back. It’s a continuous motion, one that she keeps up the more he crumbles beneath her touch. “You weren’t supposed to see this.”
“Shh.”
Tadashi keeps speaking about how Aether didn’t deserve to see him like this. She considers opening her mouth but keeps it shut, decides to listen as he purges every single nasty thing he had kept in for god-knows-how-long. He repeats certain phrases here and there. Aether catches the words “toxic” and “tired” and pieces them together. She learns about his unwillingness to be toxic, his desire to not have her—or anyone—tire of him. She wonders about how he had gotten that kind of mindset and who had even implanted those kinds of thoughts into his head in the first place, but again, she remains silent. Aether keeps silent as he admits fragmented truths, as he attempts to keep all the shards from spilling.
“I’ve been trying to get better.”
“I know you have,” she tries, but he shakes his head and takes another shaky breath of air.
“No, Aether, you don’t.” Aether tries to keep it from getting to her. “You don’t get it. It doesn’t feel better. None of this feels better. It doesn’t.” She contemplates on that for a moment. Tadashi carries on anyway, lifting his head slightly. He doesn’t look at her. “God, Aether…”
“I know you’ve been getting better.” She sees his hands fumbling, spots him attempt to grab at his skin.
The response is instantaneous.
Aether grabs his nearer hand and holds it tightly in her own, ignoring the shocked look he sends her way. Tadashi attempts to tear it from her grip but Aether swallows and keeps his hand in hers. It’s trembling a little bit, Tadahi’s hand; it’s trembling and it’s cold and clammy but Aether keeps holding it, uses her fingers to rub lightly at his knuckles.
“You’ve been getting better,” she says in a quieter voice. “Believe me, Tad, you’ve been getting better. You have no idea.”
“I’m not—”
“You have.”
It’s the first time she raises her voice. Aether realizes this, and so does he.
“You’ve been getting better, Tadashi…it’s not obvious to you, but you’ve been improving. And you shouldn’t deny that. It’s hard to believe that you’re making progress. I know that. But…” She hesitates and her grip on his hands slackens a little, but he doesn’t let go. “…you have no idea how much better you’ve been getting. And I think your friends at the office see that, too.”
“…why doesn’t it feel that way?”
Aether feels her chest ache at the sound of his voice. It’s one she doesn’t want to hear ever again. She wishes that she had the right words, the perfect words; but all she can do is to squeeze his hand and admit in a softer voice, “I don’t know. I don’t know why we don’t feel that we’re actually doing better. But…I can’t blame you either, you know?” Tadashi remains quiet. “It’s hard to feel like things are getting better if it seems muddled and blurry. But just because it’s muddled and blurry to you, it doesn’t mean that it’s the same for everyone.”
“Aether…”
Without thinking, she leans into his shoulder and closes her eyes. Their hands remain linked, fingers interlocked. “You’re trying your best. You’re doing what you can. Believe me. We can see all of it, and…we’re proud of you. I promise that we’re proud of you.”
Tadashi remains silent. His hand ceases to move. Aether bites her lip and slackens her grip slightly. Perhaps it had been too much, perhaps she had forced herself through the door again. She mumbles a quiet “sorry” and starts to separate herself from him, put some distance between the two of them. The last thing she wanted was for him to lash out, for them to get into an argument, for her to remain alone in the apartment once again—
But he keeps holding on.
Aether’s eyes open and she feels him hold her hand, feels him squeeze lightly as if asking for her to hold on for a bit longer. She isn’t so sure. All she knows is that he’s leaned his head on hers ever so slightly, hesitant and unsure. All she can hear are his shaky exhales, the way he attempts to calm his breathing.
They remain in that position for a number of minutes, she and Tadashi on the couch, fingers laced together and leaning on one another. Aether finds herself keeping her eyes open but not looking in his direction. She waits for something to happen, for a shift in mood. She waits for Tadashi to break the spell, for them to part awkwardly and never speak of the incident again. That, after all, seemed to be the more possible outcome. The door seemed open, but Aether wasn’t sure if she was allowed to step inside quite yet.
“…thank you.”
“…what?”
“Thank you,” Tadashi repeats. His voice is a soft mumble. It sounds as hesitant as she feels. “You…you didn’t have to do this, you know.”
“I know.” She glances down at their hands. “But I wanted to help you. I…”
I wanted to make things right.
“…I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.” She settles on that answer and keeps her head on his shoulder, their sides pressed together.
“You meant it, right?”
“Sorry?”
“The thing about me getting better. Did you mean it?”
He was still tired, still struggling. Tadashi wore muted purples and dim blues. There were times where he would oversleep, times where he would cancel on their plans without a warning in advance. There were times that she had to study alone, that Arabella would pick her up and bring her to campus without complaint. Sometimes Tadashi had a lesser hold on his temper. Other times, he would be there but not entirely—body there in the physical world but his mind off somewhere else, the look in his eyes as vacant as he felt.
But Aether thinks of the two of them now. She thinks of when he would accompany her to campus and when he would willingly quiz her on her majors. She thinks of the small bright spots in his apartment: yellow sunflowers in an orange vase, a butter-colored pill box with instructions written on a periwinkle post-it. He woke up early on his good days and Aether would spot him jogging around, the dark circles underneath his eyes a bit lighter. A few times a month or so he would be unavailable for undisclosed reasons, but he would always make up for it with a box of her favorite pastries from the nearby store.
The recovery wasn’t linear, and it would never be. Aether understands that perfectly.
But the progress is there.
“I mean it.” She lifts her head from his shoulder and gives him a shy smile, “I really mean it.”
05.
Aether makes sure to keep an eye on him during work.
Tadashi tended to take more than he thought he could handle. Sometimes he would be called on by Eri to help with the rookie trainings. The newbies need someone with a nice face, she’d reason, and Tadashi would often chastise her about needing to be a little nicer before joining anyway. Sometimes one of the higher-ups would call him to their office and he’d be there within the snap of a finger, not questioning at all. Sometimes Peters needed an additional sparring buddy when Aether wasn’t feeling up to it. Sometimes Mack needed someone who could pull him out of his shell. Sometimes Aether needed a reminder to relax and take a break.
All of this didn’t bother him. Aether knows that well. It’s practically ingrained into his entire being at this point. The drive and desire to be available to anyone who needs it is one of Tadashi’s core characteristics; Aether herself had learned about this particular trait during her initial months of having moved to the United States. He had always been the most willing of people, the most helpful. It was uncommon for him to deny work unless he was already pre-occupied with something to begin with (and even then he would accept). It seems to her that helping and serving were actions that brought him joy, and the last thing that she wanted to do was to put an end to his happiness somehow.
Despite that, though, she can’t help but keep an eye on him.
Tadashi needs a break. Aether can tell. More often than not, handling a class full of rookies would lead to the exhaustion of even the most extroverted. The same went for acting as a sparring partner or when it came to listening or hearing another’s exhaustions. All that he does is admirable, she admits, but most of the time she wanted to drag him off and give him a lecture about having to take time for himself. Tadashi would probably frown and call her out for being unable to do the same (and that was a conversation for another day), but Aether would have none of it.
She just wishes that he would put himself first, that was all. The last thing she wanted for Tadashi would be him at his most exhausted, his most weary. The image of that kind of Tadashi still haunted her memories to that very day; she hadn’t forgotten the gaunt look in his eyes from a couple of years back.
(Never again. Not on her watch.)
Aether keeps her arms folded over her chest as she watches the scene in front of her. They’re gathered in her office once again; the third time that day. Tadashi is talking to Peters and Mack about recent developments, the latter two throwing question after question and Tadashi doing his best to accommodate. It had to do with their investigation, backup plans, and possible contingencies. Normally, it would be Aether who would report back to them with the details fine-tuned, but Tadashi insisted this time around. “It’s under me,” he reasoned to her beforehand. “I’ll do it. Just step in if things go too far.”
“How far is too far?”
“I guess you’ll see.”
The thing about being the head of your own squad was the importance attempting to quantify and memorize the limits of each person. People like Peters had a higher threshold for physical exhaustion. Others, like Mack, had lone of the weakest tempers. And Tadashi—
Peters’ voice is starting to overtake Tadashi’s. Mack’s expression looks a little more flustered, a little more worried than he would normally let on. Tadashi attempts at talking but Peters cuts him off and the look that Aether sees in Tadashi’s eyes is one of alarm, a certain uncertainty, a particular kind of feeling lost that she recognizes instantly. His voice breaks at the edge and he mumbles something too faint for them to hear, eyes darting away as Peters keeps talking and talking and talking.
Enough.
“Stop that,” she orders. Peters stops talking immediately and Mack sends her a relieved glance. Tadashi’s expressions remains as lost as it had been. “Listen, it’s late…we’ve been at this for days. It’s better if we cool off and continue tomorrow. Understand?”
“I understand. C’mon, Pete,” Mack nudges the male next to him and Peters gives a begrudging sigh, clearly irritated at the turnout. However, he doesn’t speak and allows Mack to bring him outside the office, leaving Aether and Tadashi as the remaining ones inside. The whispering starts as soon as they head out, but Aether pays them no attention and instead approaches the eldest of the four. Briefly, Aether catches: “Put a bloody nozzle on that temper of yours, Pete.”
“But—” She tunes them out and cautiously approaches Tadashi, the latter running his fingers through his hair and eyes shut.
“…hey.”
“Sorry.” Tadashi keeps his eyes closed. “I…sorry.”
“No, shh. We were bound stop anyway.” Aether sits next to him, “Do you want to get out of here?”
“Later. I'm...later."
She understands. Aether keeps herself seated next to him, barely reaching out to pat his shoulder or to set a hand on his knee. When Tadashi heaves a sigh and reaches to grasp her hand, she allows him to. "Hey," she murmurs. "You're okay, alright? You're okay and you're here." A soft squeeze, "You're doing great. Believe me."
"I don't think—"
"You are. You're not a horrible or incompetent person just because of one small...disagreement. And besides," she adds, "you know Peters. He's just trying to make sure that there aren't holes in the plan, that's all. Even if it comes off as aggressive."
"...right." Tadashi exhales once more and Aether waits until he opens his eyes. "Okay." Tadashi steadies his breathing and Aether keeps a close eye, keeps watch. She doesn't let go of his hand until he calms down, until he at least looks a tinge more centered than he had been earlier on. It's only when he runs his thumb over the back of her hand that she lets go and stands up, ruffles his hair gently with a smile. "Aether, I..."
"Come on, Tad." She fetches her laptop case from her table and swings her handbag over her shoulder, then turns to look at him while keeping the same smile. "I think we deserve to go home and get some rest."
...
Aether makes sure to keep an eye on him during work.
Tadashi tends to take on more than he thinks he can handle, and Aether knows that well. The day after that, the conversation between him and Peters is resolved, and they move forward without much tension left in the air. Almost immediately after the meeting is there a knock on the door, and Tadashi is called once more by Eri.
He throws a quick glance in her direction as if asking for her permission. The thought is almost ridiculous; he's thirty-seven after all compared to her mere twenty-five. In any other case, there would be no need to ask for permission or to wait for some kind of go signal.
But things don't quite work that way between them.
Aether gives a nod and Tadashi sends her a quick, thankful look before leaving with Eri. There's chatter as the door closes, and she can almost hear his tired smile.
It's the small things that matter more between the two of them.
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