01.
The first time she meets him, Aether notices the weary look in his eyes and the way the first few buttons of his shirt remain undone.
She nearly brings herself to pointing it out, but she finds herself distracted by the unkempt stubble on his jaw and the way he smells lightly of a previous night’s liquor. It’s a little unnerving, but Aether decides to take it. All she can think of is how desperately she needs to talk to someone, provided that the ‘someone’ isn’t part of the airport staff. She can’t help it. Aether’s an introvert, and she knows that well. After suffering more than nine hours in the sky and one hour attempting to navigate through Seattle-Tacoma, she finds that a conversation about anything but her flight would do her some good.
Unfortunately, however, the first conversation concerns her flight. She forces a thin smile and responds with a tired voice. It was okay seemed to be the best answer for any query, from the in-flight entertainment to the food that had been served. Her companion—Tadashi, that’s what his name is—merely nods at her answers, and any hope that she would have literally any other conversation seems to extinguish itself from that point onwards.
She doesn’t like the feeling.
Aether attempts at starting conversation about anything else and tries to engage him about Seattle, about the airport, even about the car that they were riding on the way back to where she would be sleeping for the first couple of nights. She brings up certain details here and there, tries to compliment the interior of the car, attempts at asking about the picture of the pretty lady on the dashboard. Aether tries to talk to him about where she would be studying and does her best to ask him about the university she would attend for the time being, but Tadashi’s lips remain tightly shut. Her enthusiasm fizzles once more, and Aether finds herself mumbling a quiet “okay” as she resorts to glancing out the window.
(From the corner of her eye, she spots him glancing at her with an apologetic look. Aether almost wants to believe that he’s sorry for not engaging in conversation. But then again, nine hours of tossing and turning in her seat with little to no sleep tended to cause one to see and imagine things that might have not been.)
Tadashi speaks up a bit twenty minutes in. His voice nearly startles her; it’s deep and a little quiet, but a little hoarse at the same time. It sounds like he hasn't been taking much lately as well, and that gives her both nervousness and comfort. “We were supposed to go straight to your apartment, but…” He pauses to think, “…apparently they need to settle a few more things before you settle in.”
“They?”
“Just a couple of people under the admin.”
“Oh."
They don’t talk much after that.
Eventually she and Tadashi reach her temporary lodging. The hotel is nice, warm; the receptionist gives her a sweet smile before focusing her attention to Tadashi. Aether finds herself wishing that he had extended her the same kind of warmth. Within minutes they’re sent off to an elevator, and later her hotel room. “It’s temporary,” he explains, not looking in her direction as they walk, “just a few days, maybe two or three.”
“Are you—”
“Here.” He swipes the glossy card on the keycard lock, and the door clicks. Aether blinks. “Someone should have the luggage with your clothes up, and I’ll take your other belongings with me first and keep them in my place.” Tadashi turns towards her and finally meets her eyes. Aether has to stop herself from recoiling at the darker circles underneath, how exhausted he looks. It’s intimidating. “Is that okay, or…?”
She can’t find the proper words. His brow wrinkles a bit and he opens his mouth, probably to ask her again, but Aether finds herself nodding.
“That’s okay. That’s…fine.”
“Okay.”
He hands over the card. Aether takes it from his fingers and bites her lip at the momentary contact. Warmth. So much warmth. The card is cold in her fingers but the touch lingers and Aether finds herself opening her mouth, about to ask him to stay, to provide her a bit more companionship until her need for it would be sated, fulfilled.
But he takes a step back. She nearly crumbles.
“I’ll be back tomorrow. It might be good for you if you get some rest—” Tadashi stops once he looks at her, and Aether forces herself to look away. She’s never been good at masking her emotions, she’s always worn her heart on her sleeve. It’s something that Lysette used to tease her about, something that Xavier commented on back at the orphanage in Winchester, back home.
Aether knows that Tadashi can see the look on her face, and she almost doesn’t want him to.
“…Aether?”
“Okay,” she croaks. The hotel room door is open. That door is open but the one between herself and this new person isn’t, and it hurts, hurts, hurts. She sees his eyes shift, the expression in them change. He opens his mouth and it’s like he’s reaching out to open the door, to let her in, but—
She decides to keep the door closed.
“Thank you.” Aether takes a step towards her room’s door and forces a smile. “I—I’ll see you tomorrow.”
02.
Aether does her best to ignore the signs.
They’re practically right there in her textbook, one symptom listed after another. It makes her a little uneasy. She finds herself wishing that she had picked some other major to specialize in, some other field to focus on that wasn’t psychology. If it were any other, she wouldn’t have the ability to look at someone, notice the signs, and diagnose all in her head. Of course, there was the chance that she would be wrong, but—
They’re right in front of her.
Sign after sign after sign. She can’t help but notice.
One day exhibits a particular one, and then the next suddenly has two or three more. Looking back at prior interactions, all the messages were there. All the hints were waiting to be uncovered.
And Aether, well, she didn’t know what to do about it. There was the option to speak, and at the same time, there was also the option to keep silent and mind her own business. What did she know, anyway; for all she cared, perhaps he knew about the symptoms and merely chose to deal with them in his own particular way.
Aether attempts to comfort herself with that thought while skimming the rest of the chapter. Certain passages are highlighted in pink, others in yellow. She can’t help but glance again at the yellow, reread the phrases that stood out ever since first hearing about them in class. She recounts them quietly, closes her eyes and mentions each one in her head before reopening her eyes and giving an uneasy exhale. She’d rather not think about them, so she moves to the next segment of the chapter, moves on to other illnesses and their symptoms, but she can’t get the prior one out of her head just yet.
There’s a name on her tongue and lips. Aether doesn’t want to voice it out loud, more so bring the truth into reality. So she swallows it down with lukewarm coffee and attempts to think of something else, but the name remains. The symptoms remain. Her hand twitches towards her pen and Aether exhales again, sets her book down on the glass coffee table. The thoughts are loud and so are her observations, and she wishes she could forget about it, move to something else, but she can’t.
So she takes a smaller notebook wrapped in red, takes her nearby pen, and flips open to a fresh page. Aether bites her lip.
It’s wrong.
It’s invasive.
She shouldn’t be doing it, but she writes down his name anyway in neat cursive.
Tadashi.
And underneath: symptom after symptom after symptom. Aether writes each of them and her own observations after. It’s almost cold, clinical even. She arranges them neatly in bullets and underlines some key phrases, tries to make herself feel better by highlighting as well.
Half an hour later, Aether finds herself with pages filled with observations. It’s a step forward and two steps back at the same time; while feeling a little better with all the thoughts translated into words, she can’t help but feel wrong. Like she was treading too far into the water, like she was rattling the doorknob between her and him far too much.
But then again, she just wanted to understand him—
The doorbell rings. Aether is immediately on her feet. She jams the notebook underneath a pack of readings left unread and she races to the door, plasters a smile on her face. “You’re late,” she says lightly. Tadashi stands there with a box in one arm and the other carrying his laptop bag, and gives a small smile of his own. Aether’s heart sinks upon finding that the circles under his eyes seemed darker than usual. “…are you okay?”
“I’m fine. You know how work gets.” He waves off her concerns and Aether steps aside to let him in. “We had a late shift last night, but that doesn’t matter. Do you need help reviewing?”
“I just needed company. Arabella’s busy,” she explains, leading him to her living room after she closes the door. Tadashi’s smile perks a bit at the mention of Arabella, and Aether pinks. She forgets for the time being and swats his arm, and Tadashi simply shakes his head good-naturedly. “You don’t mind?”
“I don’t. Don’t worry.”
Aether worries anyway as they work, her with her readings and him with a number of reports he needed to figure out. She keeps her eye on him throughout their shared time together despite it having to be the other way around. He was supposed to watch over her, that was a given; but Tadashi had been acting even weirder than normal, and she didn’t want to burden him with anything else. Not at all.
At one point does Tadashi seem like he’s dozing off, and Aether’s definitely noticed. She closes her book and takes the notebook from underneath the smaller stack, flips it open, and writes her observations while keeping an eye on him. Tadashi frowns in his sleep and Aether pauses, keeps her eyes trained on him while writing. Tadashi mumbles something indistinguishable and Aether sighs to herself. She nearly keeps writing but her phone vibrates with a name that makes her smile more than she should, and the observations go forgotten once more for the time being.
Tadashi wakes up twenty minutes later with a steaming cup of tea in front of him. Aether doesn’t speak and he blinks twice before lifting the cup to his lips and drinking. It’s quiet. He finishes his tea quickly and Aether is about to offer him another cup when he stands up, collects his belongings without so much as speaking. The warm glow in her chest after speaking to Arabella dims, and it suddenly feels like the door has forced itself shut once again.
“I have to go.” He leaves the untouched box of pastries on Aether’s coffee table and swings his bag over his shoulder, expression heavy. “Text me if you need anything, alright?”
“Okay.” (She doesn’t.) “Goodnight, Tadashi.”
Without so much as a mere goodbye in return, Tadashi leaves Aether to herself in her apartment, and it suddenly feels much colder than compared to being with him.
Aether tries to ignore the signs. But not anymore.
03.
Baby steps.
The healing process took numerous steps until it reached completion, and Aether knows that well. Still, though; she can’t help but rub her knuckles anxiously, her eyes darting up and away from her front door. Tadashi was supposed to be there, was supposed to help her study for her exams. He had agreed the previous day to help her out, considering that it was the weekend and that Arabella had to study for her own tests. It was a gesture that Aether appreciated, considering that she and the older fellow had not been the closest of friends.
For some reason, however, Aether couldn’t stop rubbing her knuckles. It was a nervous habit, one that she hadn’t been able to kick. She rubbed her knuckles at the thought of her and Tadashi together again in her apartment. She rubbed her knuckles at the thought of them talking to each other and communicating (somewhat) easily, he helping her and her welcoming any help that would be given. She rubbed her knuckles at the thought of him there.
She remains unsure of whether or not they truly are okay. The fight that had occurred months back involving her observation, her notebook, and a heated argument involving Aether’s desire to understand him had been resolved, at least—but then again, Aether wasn’t too sure of whether they had manage to cross that bridge or not. Things didn’t quite go back to normal after the fight. Understandably enough, it was awkward. Car rides would be quiet, and Arabella would usually be there to pick her up, casting Tadashi a wary look. She didn’t know how to engage in moving forward, and neither did Tadashi.
Aether didn’t hold anything against him for that. Of course he wouldn’t know. After all, the roots of their argument had stemmed from her invasiveness, from her being reckless and inconsiderate. Aether hardly expected forgiveness, but he gave it anyway.
Things were just awkward, that was all.
They’re better now, of course; if they weren’t, then Tadashi wouldn’t have offered helping her study in the first place. Aether just can’t help but doubt. She wonders if he was simply being kind, if he still had some sort of pity for the girl who crossed all the way from the pond for a future she was barely sure she would even be able to take. It wouldn’t exactly be too far off. In her getting to know Tadashi, she learned about his warmth and his gentleness, of his desire to help people and his eagerness to see them grow. His help was sincere, and he had proved that a number of times. She had no reason to doubt him at all, really. At that point, she was just…afraid.
A rapid knock at her door reels her from her thoughts, and Aether nearly stumbles on the way to the door to answer. “I’m sorry,” Tadashi apologizes. His hair is a mess, some of it sticking in odd directions. There’s leftover, dried toothpaste on his aubergine sweater and the undershirt is barely tucked in. All of those, combined with the exhausted look in his eyes, tells Aether that he had overslept. Moreover, he had slept late the previous night. “Sorry, Aether—I just got up, my alarm didn’t ring, I—I hope I didn’t mess up your schedule.” His apologies are overflowing and she shakes her head, lets him in.
“Don’t apologize, I’m not mad. But are you sure you want to help?” She casts a worried glance as he slumps onto the couch, rakes his hair with his fingers. “You look exhausted, Tadashi, I don’t want to keep you from resting…”
“Forget about me. I offered, and I want to help you pass.” He pauses as he takes in the sight of her books and readings and notebooks neatly stacked. “…before that, though, do we have coffee?”
“I have coffee. Stay there.”
“I can brew—”
“Stay seated,” she insists. Tadashi frowns but he follows anyway, sinking into her couch. Aether hears him exhale on the way to the kitchen and she worries anyway, worries about him not getting rest.
Tadashi was, well…
He wasn’t in the best state. Aether couldn’t deny that. Tadashi was tired but jumpy at the same time; the lack of sleep was clearly getting to him, but he was attempting to make up for it through forced smiles and an eventual intake of caffeine. Aether contemplates on switching his drink to decaf, but shakes her head and takes out something else instead.
Hot chocolate for both of them. That had to work. Aether herself felt the craving for coffee, but it would be too obvious if she served him hot chocolate and spared the coffee for herself. Her fingers wrap around the box of hot chocolate that Arabella had gifted in her care package a week back and she gets to work, boiling water and eventually preparing other snacks. Aether felt the urge to serve more than they would need, maybe put forward some snacks she knows that Tadashi would like. But she resists. It would seem too much, too obsessive, too obvious, and the last thing she wanted was for another yelling match between the two of them. The thought makes her flinch. Aether spills some of the hot water all over the counter and she curses a little louder than expected.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine!” The spill is wiped away quickly, the drinks are served in pastel-colored mugs, and she carries the mugs alongside bowls of mixed nuts and popcorn. “I ran out of coffee,” she manages to lie. “Is hot chocolate okay?”
“I don’t mind.” Tadashi gratefully takes a darker mug, leaving Aether with the red one. “I think it’ll be better for the both of us if we stay away from the caffeine.” A smile, albeit a tired one, tugs at his lips when he spots her setting the bowls on the coffee table. “Is that popcorn? And peanuts?”
“These are good snacks,” Aether defends. She sits opposite him and picks up one of her thicker books, taking a packet from inside. “I made flashcards. I just need you to quiz me on them, and later you can look through my reviewer and ask me anything that comes to mind.”
“Is that all?” He sets his mug down and blinks, “Do you need help with anything else?”
I need you to reassure me that we’re okay and that I’m not trying too hard.
“I…”
I need you to reassure me that I’m not invading your privacy like last time. That we can actually be friends. Because I trust you and I want you to trust me too, and I want to help you—
“We’ll see. I’ve got other electives to study for,” she finally answers. She takes the flashcards out of the small, brown packet and hands it across the table. Tadashi takes them. “But I want to do well with my majors, and…I really think you’ll be able to help.”
There’s his smile again. It’s still tired, still weary. Aether can spot the deeper sadness behind his eyes but chooses to stay silent about it. Despite those, though, there’s a clear attempt to perk himself up and make the mood better for the two of them.
“Let’s hope you’re right.”
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