Sacred Heart
Seattle, WA
October 200x
11:34 PM
Audra finds herself unable to speak.
The church is empty. It had finally ran empty after hours of visits as well as a mass to start the entire ordeal. The church is empty, the pews are empty (save for the one she was occupying at the moment), everything is empty and hollow and even the fucking casket in front remains empty. Audra didn’t even know why they had bothered to use a casket to begin with when they could have just used a single framed picture--
Either way, he was dead.
Audra still can’t believe it. The shock has made a home in her system, seeping through her veins and making her unable to comprehend anything else. Gone. It tastes odd on her tongue; odd and unsuited, rather bitter the more she keeps it inside her mouth. Audra wants to spit it out. She wants to spit the word away. The last thing she needs is a reminder that he’s gone, that he isn’t there anymore, that the last time they had been together there had been a spiteful, vicious argument. Audra no longer remembers the specifics.
But there she is, inside the church. Kneeling. Staring at the cross, staring at the stained glass, staring anywhere that isn’t the casket or the framed picture. It’s all a reminder to her, really. Everything surrounding her is a cruel reminder, a harsh reiteration of what had happened. Everything is dark and dreary, empty and hollow and so, so incredibly cold.
Audra clasps her hands together even tighter.
She isn’t even sure if she’s praying at that point. She doesn’t know if she’s pressing her hands together in tradition or if she’s keeping herself from falling. It could be the latter. She hadn’t been able to sleep properly since confirming the death with the others, and had been up for days at that point. Audra knows she’s close to slipping, close to falling, so very close to crashing. She had lost a pillar already; everything had been tipped off-balance since.
Dead. Gone. No pulse.
The things she’d do to prove that he was still there, that he was still alive somewhere. She’d listen for any pulse if that were possible, try to find some kind of sign that he had made it somehow. It’s all she wants. More than to rid herself of the guilt and loathing, all Audra wanted was a sign, a goddamned sign that he was out there somewhere, alive and well and laughing at her and teasing you were worried about me. I knew you’d be.
But no such sign emerged from the flames. All that had been left was merely ash, remains, and something else that makes her stomach lurch whenever she thinks about it.
He had been at the office with her just a month back.
Audra wonders where it all went wrong.
(She knows, though. She knows what had caused things to go awry. But to know and to recognize, to acknowledge were different matters entirely.)
The church remains quiet, as does she.
Audra doesn’t know long she remains until there’s the sound of heavy footsteps coming from behind. She almost wants to move but doesn’t, only focusing her eyes on the large wooden cross.
Maybe if
Perhaps if
If I hadn’t
Then maybe she wouldn’t even have to be in the church. Who knows where they could be. Her mind drifts to a beloved local eatery, to a familiar booth with a light bulb that was almost always broken each time they came to ate together. They could be there. They could be making fun of the flickering light going off and on and off and on again and again and again--
“Audra?”
It should have been me.
“Audra…”
She doesn’t hear Gaius until the third call.
“Audra. Hey.” A warm hand on her shoulder. It almost feels misplaced. “We have to leave.”
She doesn’t register his words for a moment, not until the word leave exits his lips. At that, she shakes her head; “What about--”
“Mr. Wright is taking care of it. He...wanted you to get some rest.”
Rest.
“Don’t deserve the rest,” she mutters. Gaius sighs.
“You need the strength.” Firmer this time; Gaius grips her shoulder. It’s enough to pull her back from herself. “We have to go.”
And they do go.
They leave the church, leave the space hollow and empty and Audra feels the same way about herself. All that remains are empty structures and lifeless reminders.
Audra tries to listen for a pulse within herself.
The car remains quiet.
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