Appetite: An OTP Short (2/2)

Matt and A’s House
Tokyo, Japan
April 2015

“Sweetheart…can we talk?”

A felt his hand squeezing hers, yet she didn’t squeeze back. Not yet. A didn’t want to squeeze his hand. All he would do was reassure her things would be okay, then leave the room and bring her something to eat in hopes that she would consume anything. Just the mere thought of Matt’s Hayashi rice made her stomach twist uncomfortably.

“…what do you want to talk about?”

“It’s about you. You know. Your eating habits,” he admitted. “I want you to tell me, A – do you want me to try something else? I understand that eating Japanese all the time can get tiring because we live in fucking Tokyo. Or does my cooking suck now?”

She muttered something.

“What?”

“It’s…not your cooking,” A repeated. “It definitely isn’t. If it was, I’d be eating more than I have been, right?” she joked. But even that was enough to make him frown, and A gave a defeated sigh. “You already know, Matt. You already know – why ask me what’s wrong if you already know what it is?”

“Because I don’t want to assume.”

“Assuming. Okay.” She sat up straighter and pulled her hand away from his, a few fingers running through her hair. “You know how I was a few years ago…”

He did.

* * * * *

One of Matt’s struggles upon moving in with her was getting her to eat.

A had gotten used to eating less – she was already content with small dishes, occasionally splurging a few times a month. That, however, usually ended with her curled up on the couch with a hot compress on her stomach. She had grown used to being a small eater. Matt couldn’t exactly change that.

Eventually, A found out that excessive eating of instant foods and cereals weren’t exactly the best choice. She panicked, tried to change lifestyle and stuck harder to fruits and vegetables, occasionally having rice and not passing on meats. As HQ needed them to have a strong, healthy figure, A decided to start on exercise as well to build up on body muscle.

At first, Matt was incredibly supportive. He would run with her twice a week or would welcome her home with a healthy breakfast when she came back sweating and panting. Eventually, her form hardened, A grew muscle and she was leaner. She grew stronger.

A became slimmer.

At the same time, she became more image conscious than he preferred.

She began to count calories, pushed herself to the limit when she ran four times a week, refused to settle for less and cut out sugar from her diet entirely. While Matt would have the occasional chocolate bar and sweet, A ignored it completely like the plague.

The ginger honestly didn’t mind at first. More chocolates and instant ramen for him. Each time A caught him eating her old junk food, she would give him a look and then grab something healthier. A sandwich, organic juice or healthy sushi.

He also noticed how her eyes would fall to his enviously.

So he offered her one time, during the weekend. A came back fresh from her run and just came downstairs from her shower. Matt, instead of cooking breakfast, surprised her with something else. A display of sushi greeted her with Matt casually taking a roll with his chopsticks. A number of sauces sat across the sushi, ranging from mere soy sauce wasabi. Two tall glasses of red tea sat next to each other.

Spotting her, he smiled and beckoned her much closer. A could only gape at the sight in front of her. “Like it? Thought you deserved something nice,” he explained. Matt ate the sushi roll after kissing her forehead and grinned. “God, this is good. I see why you love the place so much.”

“Not in the mood for regular breakfast?” Matt shook his head and pulled a chair for her, A sitting down and hesitantly taking a piece of sashimi. “Oh.”

“Consider this as your treat,” he insisted. “You like it?”

She felt herself force a smile.

“I-I do. Thanks, love.”

* * * * *

“You cared about your figure a lot.”

“And I still do,” she replied quietly. Matt looked at her for a moment before exhaling and pulling her close, securing his arms around her waist. A stayed stiff, not reacting as much as she usually would. “I don’t know how it started to affect me again, Matt. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know, or you don’t want to tell?” her shoulders fell. A looked defeated and all he wanted to do was to drive her insecurities far, far away. “A…”

“I look at myself, alright?” Her hand wandered upwards, touching her collarbone, “I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like what I see.”

“But you’re–”

“Beautiful. Perfect. Stunning,” she spat. Each of the words, which were compliments in their own rights, turned to bullets. “I know. I know. You keep telling me. But I can’t feel it – not at all,” A ranted, trying to leave his grip.

Nevertheless, he kept holding on.

She swallowed nervously.

“I just…fuck it, I just want to feel okay. But what you have right now, Matt? She’s not okay. And she doesn’t know if she will be,” she admitted quietly.

A crumbled.

Matt held on.

 She didn’t need words or anything else. Matt said nothing as he held her, rubbing her back and pressing his lips to her temple as she collapsed. At that moment, she just needed peace of mind. She needed peace in general.

“I just want to feel okay,” she whispered.

“I know you do, sweetheart,” the ginger replied softly. “I wish I could help without trying to seem like I’m forcing you.”

“I know. I know you’ve been trying and I’m sorry for wasting your efforts and your time,” she babbled, the tears in her eyes starting to leak. Matt shushed her, wiping her tears away with his thumb and planting a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry, Matt, I didn’t…”

He held her tighter. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll find a way, alright? We always do.”

“But what if it comes back?”

“We keep trying. We’ll keep trying until you’re on the better side,” Matt promised. She nodded slowly and he eventually pulled her up, smoothing her hair down. “Do you want to get something in you?”

A bit her lip and was about to say no, but felt a familiar yearning for her favorite comfort food. “…do you have some Hayashi rice left?”

He gave her a smile.

“I have some left. I’ll heat it up and we can watch something on the telly, if you’d like to – or would you prefer I bring it up?”

Brushing her hair away from her face, A stood up.

“Let’s go down.”