Let Me In: A Relationship Short

A’s House
Tokyo, Japan
2010

“Do you honestly like it?”

A raised a brow at Touta’s question. “What kind of question is that?”

“A normal one.” He watched as the woman took yet another drink from her glass, his own bottle untouched. “A…”

“I like drinking,” she answered carefully, “Because it numbs everything. You learn to cope. To temporarily forget about things. And it’s a strangely blissful feeling, as ignorant as it seems.”

Touta gave a long, heavy sigh.

“What’s more relieving, A? To tell everything, or to waste away?”

She sent him a harsh look, her eyes flashing dangerously. “Why are you–?”

“Just answer me.”

The half-German took a deep breath. “Why even trust when they’ll just leave? Why hurt yourself? I’d rather chip away,” her grip on the glass tightened, “and leave unhurt, than to let everyone in and have them leave eventually.”

He reached for her. She flinched. “Just let me in.”

“No.” A shut her eyes, “No. No, please. Don’t.”

“What’s wrong with–?”

“You’ll just leave like the others did!” she snapped, eyes widening and she covering her mouth much after. A looked shocked with her outburst, unable to look directly at him. Touta thought he saw pain flash in her eyes and instinctively put a hand on her shoulder, feeling her flinch yet again. “Touta…it’s better if you don’t,” she mumbled weakly, her hands falling to her sides.

“But why?”

“Just…” she struggled with her words, “Once you let someone in, you let them know almost everything. And you become very vulnerable. And that vulnerability gets you hurt. I can’t let you in. I can’t.”

Touta paused at her words, thinking. A took the time to take another sip from her glass, her hands shaking.

“What if I told you my story?”

“…pardon?”

“My story,” he affirmed. “My life. All the things I’ve gone through.” The Japanese saw her hesitate and managed a small smile, continuing. “I’m okay with it. It’s a form of healthy purgation.”

“’Healthy purgation’,” A repeated. “How exactly is that healthy?”

“Because each time I tell that same story, a part of me is able to let go.” Touta looked at her, drawing his hand away, “Not all of us have had perfect lives, A. There’s you. There’s me. There’s Peters–”

“That fucker’s happy,” she snapped. He gave her a firm look in return.

“Contrary to what he exhibits, Peters was…also unhappy. Not like us. But he had his own version of pain. See, A, we have our own versions of pain. We all have our own pain that we carry deep in our heart. But that pain,” he pointed at her glass of wine, “Can’t be numbed. The more you numb it, the harder it would strike when it resurfaces.”

A frowned. “How do you know?”

“Because I was like you.” He leaned back on the chair and looked at her, “I was the middle child, see, in a family of successful people. My parents were politicians. My older sister was a skilled pianist who dabbled in the arts. My younger sister, on the other hand, had an interest in government and politics. My parents supported them both.” Touta hummed, “They’re actually pretty successful. They send emails to check up on me every couple of days. Sometimes,” the man smiled ruefully, “They make it seem like I was the youngest sibling.”

“With both sisters of mine exploring their own passion, I was stuck in the middle, quite literally. Everything I tried didn’t seem to work for me at all. I was a stutterer in high school, never really got outstanding grades or had the muscle for athletics. But I was curious. I prided myself in my curiosity,” he explained. “I knew a lot about people around me. I liked to study body language, so I got into that. Before I knew it, I could tell a lot about people upon first glance and ten minutes with them.”

A watched him shift from wise Touta to thoughtful Touta, seeing him not touch his beer at all. It was like he didn’t need it to keep him going. “But what could I do with that? I eventually got into college, got a business degree it seemed the most practical…and then one day, I stumbled upon my father on the phone with the police. He was frustrated because they were unable to identify the suspect correctly. To cut it short, I butted in. He was furious for my interruption,” Touta grinned goofily, “But eventually accepted my help. The result was me shifting to Criminal Justice in my first year of college.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” he said suddenly. “Where’s the pain in that?”

A cringed but Touta laughed warmly, not minding at all. “The pain there was not knowing my passion. At my age, people knew what they wanted in life. They wanted to lead. They wanted to heal. They wanted to travel and make a change. But there was me – someone who just let himself get whisked away by the wind. I could tell my parents were disappointed in me, A. Really. If Junko and Makoto were able to find theirs, then why couldn’t I?”

“But how did you find it?”

For the first time that evening, A saw Touta falter.

“Well…I graduated. Trained up. Joined the police, pulled up in ranks, became a detective. Was put under one of the most influential people I’ve met, someone I…consider a secondary father figure, to be honest. I eventually became part of an investigation that lasted…” he trailed off, and then shook his head. A noticed him ball his fist. “It was high school all over again, A. I was nothing – if you could identify people by their standout traits, I’d be…the idiot. A lackey. A fool. I wasn’t worth jack shit in the beginning.”

“But you…” Touta snapped out of his reverie and looked at her, “You’re one of the most influential people I’ve met. You’re my mentor. How could they see you as nothing?” she demanded, and Touta felt his own throat tighten for a moment. “How could they just…put down your worth like that?”

“You have to understand, A. I was somewhat worth nothing. In fact, my shining moment would have to be almost dying for the investigation to move forward.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “It was exceptionally painful to not know my worth. At the end of the investigation, I…”

The look on his face turned strangely blank. It seemed like all the light in it went out. “I lost my mentor and a couple of friends. And for a couple of months, I was just this vegetative thing, stuck in my own grief and pain. I couldn’t go out. I was wasting away.”

He looks…hurt, she thought, suddenly feeling a sudden sadness for him. A reached over and put her hand on his, Touta not quite noticing. He’s been through so much more.

“It took my sisters to get me out of that rut. Makoto talked to my co-workers. The boss pulled some strings. Before I knew it, I was sent to HQ to help starting out agents. I didn’t know why they put me there. To be honest, I still don’t. But after working in HQ, helping people like you and Peters? I found out my passion. I found my life force,” he said simply.

“What was it?”

“I wanted to help people,” Touta replied simply. “I wanted to steer them to the right path. I wanted them to realize their worth, to build their strengths and aid their weaknesses. I wanted them to avoid feeling what I felt when I was younger.” He saw her hand on his and he smiled at her, “And seeing you like this makes me remember who I once was: someone bitter, tired, unable to let anyone in.”

A became silent.

“It took me some time to emerge from that dark period. But I made it. And here I am now,” he said cheerfully. Then he became serious once again. “A, you have so much potential in you. I see you achieving so much – so much more than I ever have.” He squeezed her hand. “But if you lock yourself in this pain? If you don’t move on from it, tell it to fuck off,” She gave a weak chuckle at that, “You’re going to lose yourself.”

With that, Touta knew he broke down the last wall.

“Okay,” she whispered. He looked at her again, seeing her gripping his hand tightly. He felt the clamminess of her hand but didn’t let go, squeezing back reassuringly. “I’ll let you in.”